Mad Science: An Interview with Dr. X
"Dance as if no one is watching, sing as if no one were listening, and the uses for someone else’s prefrontal cortex are numerous and delicious."
To many of us, Dr. X (aka Dr. X) is a mad scientist who kidnaps innocent victims that wander into Hela Comics in Downtown Los Angeles, a front for his laboratory where he’s been creating a zombie army.
. . .Ahem.
However, we wanted to get to know the real Dr. X, to understand the person behind that psychotic, unblinking gaze. And that’s why we sat down for a fascinating, if somewhat anatomical, interview with the man himself.
Interviewer: Dr. X! Thank you so much for joining us for this chat. Also, can you please stop drawing blood from my left arm? I’m starting to feel woozy.
Dr. X: Hm? Ah, yes. My apologies.
Interviewer: That’s alright. Anyway, tell us what a day in the life of Dr. X is like.
Dr. X: I’m afraid I can’t, as doing so would greatly incriminate me.
Interviewer: Can you at least tell us about your hobbies?
Dr. X: Oh, sure! Dissecting live humans, radical amputation, unnecessary surgeries, and necromancy are just a few of the activities that have taken up most of my free time. That, and watching Love Island.
"It’s a lot harder to contact an OSHA representative when your brain has been forcefully sucked out of your skull and placed
in a vat of unmentionable chemicals."
Interviewer: Are you married?
Dr. X: Yes. Well, no, not really. My dear sweet Evangeline passed away three years ago.
Interviewer: Gosh, I’m sorry to hear that.
Dr. X: That’s alright. She signed a waiver before participating in my experiment, absolving me of any wrongdoing.
Interviewer: Wait, what–?!
Dr. X: Next question.
Interviewer: Uh, right. Ok, so let’s cut to the chase: why zombies?
Dr. X: Why, free labor, of course!
Interviewer: True. But why not just hire unpaid interns like a proper greedy business owner?
Dr. X: The working conditions in my lab aren’t exactly “up to regulation,” and unpaid interns can still file complaints with the Occupational Safety and Health Administration. But it’s a lot harder to contact an OSHA representative when your brain has been forcefully sucked out of your skull and placed in a vat of unmentionable chemicals.
Interviewer: I don’t agree with your methods, but your ability to dodge the local police, various intelligence agencies, and multiple highly paid assassins is laudable.
Dr. X: Why, thank you! After all, I studied under the tutelage of the world’s most deviant sadists and madmen.
Interviewer: Where at?
Dr. X: Santa Monica College
Interviewer: Any inspirational life advice you’d like to lay on us before we end the interview?
Dr. X: Dance as if no one is watching, sing as if no one were listening, and the uses for someone else’s prefrontal cortex are numerous and delicious.
Interviewer: Excellent. Well, thanks again for taking time out of your perverse schedule to let us pick your brain for a bit. Perhaps next time you'll give us a tour of your Zombie Lab?
Dr. X: Yes, sooner than you realize.
Interviewer: By the way, why have you strapped me to this table? Also, why are you slowly approaching my head with a sharp, rusty surgical tool?
Dr. X: You picked my brain, so now it’s my turn. Heh heh heh…
Interviewer: Hold on! Before we started this interview, I specifically told you “no lobotomies”--!
EDITOR’S NOTE: Our interviewer, Sam Sammerson, has gone missing since meeting with Dr. X. When the authorities questioned Dr. X about Sammerson’s whereabouts, he said he never even met the interviewer and that he was in the middle of onboarding a new intern before laughing maniacally and slamming the door in their faces. The investigation into what happened to Sammerson is ongoing.