A how-to guide for the aspiring insane genius
Just because you’re working on a grand scheme to turn the residents of Los Angeles into your zombie horde, doesn’t mean you can’t work in a space that’s both nefarious and homey.
Downtown L.A.’s very own madman Dr. X offers some tips for those of you who want to plan your forbidden experiments in style.
1. First, pick a location that’s hidden from the outside world
This may seem like a no-brainer, especially to experts on brain removal, but too many rookie maniacs haphazardly set up shop in neighborhoods teeming with police. Put some actual thought into where you want to spend the rest of your life evading the authorities.
“Obviously, I don’t want the local constabulary poking their noses around my business, which is why I picked a prime location in Downtown Los Angeles, in the South Park district,” says Dr. X. “Not only are there few cops to deal with, but there’s no shortage of tourists wandering around to perform unnecessary surgeries on.”
Dr. X also wisely chose to use HELA Comics as a front for his real work, so consider setting up a side business to hide your experiments behind, preferably a business that attracts a lot of unwitting nerds.
2. Feng shui is important
You’re going to spend many hours working on your abominations against humanity, so it’s crucial that your space is in harmony with various energies.
“I’ve never cared much for Eastern philosophies, but feng shui has been surprisingly conducive to my creative and maniacal thought processes,” says Dr. X. “I was recently stuck on how to utilize a cadaver, but after placing my desk in the power position, installing a small water fountain, and purchasing a bamboo plant, I concocted 37 new uses for the liver alone.”
Some other tips to increase your office’s feng shui include:
Hanging posters featuring inspirational quotes from your favorite lunatics.
Choosing a chair that encourages proper posture while you design your next monstrosity.
Get rid of any obstacles that may make it harder for you to lug unconscious victims in and out of your office.
Natural lighting is generally recommended to increase feng shui, but since you’re trying to evade prying eyes, stick with good ol’ dull, dim lighting and seal off windows.
3. Fill with clues that hint at a dark yet tragic past
Interior design best practices normally discourage leaving personal items strewn about, but have you ever met a mad scientist with a clean office before? Didn’t think so. If you’ve got a past that may paint you as a tragic, almost sympathetic figure, go ahead and leave that evidence out in the open. Just take it from Dr. X:
“I’m typically quite evil, but I like to leave old journal entries and photographs from my more ‘normal’ past, just to have the occasional reminder of those naive old days when I wasn’t dodging my trial with the United Nations for crimes against humanity.”
In short, leave tidiness to those who refuse to plow through the old limitations of the human form. Besides, some clues of your long-gone compassion may actually work in your favor if you’re ever caught by the authorities.
4. Crown molding is a MUST
Crown molding may seem unnecessary for your clandestine office whose only guests will be forced there against their will. Still, it couldn’t hurt to hide the seam between your decrepit walls and rotting ceiling.
“It’s easy to dismiss crown molding as a design luxury,” according to Dr. X. “But because it really helps to class the place up, it can really drive home the fact that you’re a cultured villain. Mad scientists are all the more menacing when they can demonstrate that they’ve read the latest issue of ‘Elle Decor.’”
Sure, your office may be used primarily for making your innocent victims wait before performing ungodly experiments on them or drafting plans for your next mongoloid creature, but don’t be afraid to let your inner decorator out.
5. Make it just cluttered enough to allow victims to escape within an hour
As we’ve stated earlier, the feng shui for a mad scientist’s office is a little bit different from your typical home office, so a certain amount of disarray is allowed. And when it comes to storing your victims just before subjecting them to a battery of unholy procedures, it’s basically a supervillain dictum that you give them at least a small chance of escape.
“Sure, some of the smarter ones may get out of my semi-messy office, but that’s fine,” according to Dr. X. “No one will believe their wild stories of radical experiments and zombies. And besides, the victims too dumb to escape have brains that are much easier to operate on.”
Straight from the deranged horse’s mouth! Give your potential subjects a nice challenge, but don’t make it too difficult, or else you’ll only have highly developed cerebrums to work with, and those just aren’t as fun.