Body Parts Found Near DTLA Comic Book Store, Owner & Local Nutcase Claims Ignorance
Despite obviously being the culprit, Dr. X remains innocent in this ghastly investigation.
Over the past several weeks, human body parts have been found near HELA Comics in Downtown Los Angeles in a mystery that continues to baffle the police.
This bizarre crime is made all the more morbid by the sheer number of body parts found in the South Park district of DTLA: so far, 86 arms, 77 legs, and 112 heads have been counted, in addition to multiple tongues, eyeballs, pinky toes, and more. All of these remains have been dumped into gutters, shoved into public trash cans, and stuffed into mailboxes, almost as if the perpetrator missed garbage day and was in dire need to get rid of evidence.
Local business owners, of course, are horrified at the macabre happenings in the area. “I slipped into a pile of brains just before starting my shift!” said Jennifer Jimmers, who works at a nearby Starbucks. “It was so gross! Easily the second or third biggest pile of brains I’ve ever slipped into.”
Ben Jammin, another business owner in South Park, is so mortified by the human remains that have been popping up recently that he’s now starting a grassroots coalition to appeal to city politicians to put an end to the disgusting crime. “I know it’s a controversial thing to say in this divisive political climate, but I’m tired of this – I vote ‘no’ on dismemberment!”
Rachel Adams, who runs the experimental performing arts venue the Count’s Den next to Hela Comics, isn’t as bothered by the various limbs, appendages, and organs that have appeared on Olive Street. “Meh, beats hiring a makeup effects artist for our productions,” she said with a shrug, before strolling back to the venue with a garbage bag filled with body parts.
Unfortunately, the police have little evidence to go on and have only vague ideas of who the offender could be. “We believe that the culprit is highly educated in subjects that are beyond mortal understanding, runs a business in the neighborhood, and probably has an abbreviated last name,” Officer Dickerton said in an official statement. “But that’s about all we suspect so far.”
HELA Comics’ owner and local nutcase Dr. X told us that he has heard nothing about the disturbing occurrences in the area. “Now leave me alone! I’ve made a bloody mess in my Captive Chamber – er, I mean garage – that I need to clean up, and I can’t remember when garbage day is!” When asked what subject Dr. X earned his doctorate in, he responded with a terse, “in subjects that are beyond mortal understanding!”
With no obvious suspects, the police are worried that the gruesome activities may continue for quite some time, and warn locals to “hold onto their body parts as tightly as possible while in South Park.”
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